Part 3 of 3

When Old Wounds Reopen: Navigating Family History During Dementia Care

This is something that might sound familiar--dementia has a way of pulling off all the carefully placed bandages that have been covering your family's old wounds. Suddenly, you're not just dealing with mom's memory loss; you're right back in the middle of family dynamics that have been simmering for decades.

When Childhood Roles Come Roaring Back

Remember how your family had its little ecosystem growing up? Maybe you were "the responsible one," your sister was "mom's favorite," and your brother was "the one who got away with everything." You thought you'd outgrown those roles years ago—until now.

Suddenly, you find yourself slipping right back into old patterns. If you were the family fixer, you might automatically take charge of your parent's care, even at significant personal cost. If you were the rebel, you might be pushing back against your siblings' care decisions almost reflexively.

And here's the thing—it's happening to all of you. Your sister, who constantly competed with you for attention, might challenge every care decision you make. Your brother, who escaped family responsibility by moving across the country, still finds reasons he can't help much.

These aren't conscious choices. We all revert to old, familiar roles during stress—it's human nature. But recognizing when this happens can help you break these patterns.

When Parents Played Favorites

Many parents had favorites, and everyone knew it. If you were the child who never quite measured up in your parent's eyes, being expected to provide care now can stir up complicated feelings.

"Why should I put my life on hold for someone who always preferred my sister?"

"Dad criticized everything I did my whole life, and now I'm supposed to manage his care?"

These feelings aren't pretty, but they're real. Ignoring them won't make them go away—it just pushes them underground, where they can cause even more damage.

On the flip side, if you were the favored child, you might feel an overwhelming responsibility to care for your parent, coupled with resentment that your siblings aren't doing more. You might even struggle with guilt that you're not doing enough to justify the preferential treatment you received.

When Some Family Members Disappear

One of this journey's most painful aspects is watching certain family members step back completely. Maybe your sister visits once a year and offers plenty of advice but no practical help. Or perhaps your brother hasn't even acknowledged mom's diagnosis.

This absence reopens old feelings of abandonment, mainly if this pattern has existed. The sense that "I'm always the one left holding the bag" can build into deep resentment over time.

There's often more beneath the surface for family members who step back. Sometimes, it's pure avoidance—they can't bear to see their parent change. Other times, it's rooted in their own trauma or unresolved relationship issues with the parent. And sometimes, it's simply that life circumstances—their health issues, financial struggles, or geographic distance—create genuine barriers.

Finding a Better Way Forward

These old wounds and family patterns can feel like quicksand, pulling you down when you need solid ground. But there are ways to navigate this terrain more skillfully:

Name what's happening. Sometimes just acknowledging the elephant in the room can defuse its power. "I notice I'm falling back into my old role as the family problem-solver and taking on too much." Or "I think some of our disagreements about mom's care might be connected to our old rivalry patterns."

Look for empathy where you can. Your sister, who rarely visits, might be struggling with anxiety or depression that makes caregiving overwhelming. Your brother, who seems controlling, might be acting from fear rather than a desire for power. This doesn't excuse harmful behavior but understanding it can help you respond more effectively.

Set boundaries with care. You can say no without closing the door completely. "I can't be the only one handling Dad's doctor appointments, but I can take him every other time if we create a schedule." Or "I need to limit my caregiving to weekends because of my work schedule, but I'm fully committed to those times."

Seek support outside the family. Sometimes the healthiest thing is to accept that your family has limitations and look elsewhere for support. Friends, support groups, faith communities, and professionals can provide the understanding and help your family may be unable to offer.

Consider family therapy. If your family is open to it, a few sessions with a family therapist specializing in elder care issues can help break unproductive patterns and establish new communication methods. Even if only some family members participate, it can make a difference.

A Word About Forgiveness

The weight of old resentments becomes increasingly heavy as the dementia journey continues. At some point, you might need to work toward forgiveness for your well-being—not because what happened wasn't wrong but because carrying that pain takes energy you need for other things.

This doesn't mean forgetting or excusing harmful behavior. It means setting down the burden of resentment, so it doesn't continue to shape your present and future.

Remember, your parent's dementia didn't create these family dynamics—it simply magnified what was already there. And while you can't change your family's past, you have choices about how you respond now. Sometimes the most powerful option is to break old patterns, even when others aren't ready to do the same.

Be gentle with yourself through this process. You're doing your best in a situation no one would choose. And know that many others walking this path have felt exactly what you're feeling—you're not alone in this struggle.

Moving Forward Together

This journey with dementia will test your family in ways you never imagined. The arguments over care decisions, the financial strains, the resurfacing of old wounds are all part of this challenging path. But here's what I want you to remember: this journey, with all its challenges, also offers the possibility of healing and connection. Many families find that by facing these struggles together, they grow closer, developing more profound understanding and compassion for one another. Even when the path seems darkest, look for those small moments of grace—the day your brother unexpectedly steps up, the conversation where you finally understand your sister's perspective, or the peaceful afternoon when everyone puts aside their differences to be present with your loved one.

No family navigates this perfectly, and that's okay. What matters most is facing them with as much honesty, patience, and love as you can muster. While caring for your loved one with dementia, you're writing the final chapter of your shared family story. Make it one of love—imperfect, sometimes messy, but real.