Part 2 of 3

When Money and Authority Complicate Dementia Care

When your loved one can no longer manage their affairs, conversations about money and legal authority can bring long-simmering family tensions to a boil. Let's talk honestly about these challenges and how you might navigate them with less stress and more understanding.

"Who's in charge here?" - The power dynamics of decision-making

Remember when mom or dad was the one making all the decisions? Now suddenly you and your siblings are deciding things for them, and it's uncomfortable territory for everyone.

If you've been named the power of attorney, you might feel the weight of responsibility—and possibly the suspicious eyes of your siblings watching your every move. If you're not the designated decision-maker, you might worry about being left out of essential choices or disagree with how things are handled.

This shift in family authority rarely happens smoothly. Your sister, who manages the finances, might feel defensive when questioned about expenses. Your brother might feel his opinions are being dismissed when he raises concerns about Dad's care. These dynamics aren't really about the money—they're about trust, control, and sometimes, old family patterns repeating themselves.

What helps? Transparency goes a long way. If you manage the finances, consider regular family updates with transparent accounting. If you're concerned about how things are being handled, try approaching your questions with curiosity rather than accusation: "I'm trying to understand the financial situation better. Could we talk about the monthly expenses?"

"We can't afford this" - The crushing reality of care costs

Nothing prepares you for the sticker shock of dementia care. When looking at $5,000 to $15,000 monthly for a memory care facility or $25 an hour for in-home help, tensions about money can escalate quickly.

The most complex conversations often center around the family home. You might see it as the logical asset to sell to fund care, while your sister sees it as the family legacy that should be protected at all costs. Or perhaps you've been caring for mom in her home and feel that selling it would displace both of you, while your brother is pushing for a sale to pay for professional care.

These aren't just financial disagreements—they're emotional ones. That house represents different things to different family members. For some, it's just a building; for others, it's the physical embodiment of childhood memories and security.

What helps? Try to separate the practical from the emotional when making these decisions. A financial advisor specializing in elder care can offer objective advice about funding options you might not have considered. And if selling assets becomes necessary, find ways to honor what's being lost—perhaps by creating memory books of the family home or setting aside unique keepsakes.

"That's my inheritance disappearing" - The uncomfortable truth about expectations.

It's the elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge: As your loved one's care costs mount, the assets that might one day come to you are dwindling. While everyone agrees that mom's care comes first, the reality of watching potential inheritance disappear can trigger complicated feelings.

Maybe you were counting on that inheritance to help fund your retirement or your children's education. Perhaps you feel guilty for even thinking about it while your parent is still alive. Or maybe you suspect that your brother insists on less expensive care options to preserve his future inheritance.

These concerns feel uncomfortable to express, but they're entirely normal. Money matters to all of us, and pretending it doesn't only drives these discussions underground, where they can create even more division.

What helps? First, acknowledge that feelings about inheritance don't make you a bad person. Second, consider having open conversations about expectations—not to demand specific outcomes, but to understand each other's perspectives and financial situations. Some families even find it helpful to involve a mediator in these discussions, someone who can help create a safe space for honest communication.

Finding a path forward together

When it comes to navigating these complex financial and legal waters, here are some approaches that have helped other families:

Please put it in writing. Create clear, written agreements about who's responsible for what, how money will be managed, and how decisions will be made. This reduces misunderstandings and provides a reference point when questions arise.

Seek professional guidance. An elder attorney can help you understand options like Medicaid planning, trusts, and other legal tools. A financial advisor with expertise in elder care can help you maximize resources and explore funding alternatives.

Consider a professional fiduciary. If family tensions make it impossible to agree on who should manage finances, a professional fiduciary can serve as a neutral third party, managing assets according to your loved one's best interests.

Focus on your shared goal. When discussions get heated, bring the conversation back to what you all want: the best possible care and quality of life for your loved one. This common ground can help you work through disagreements more productively.

Be kind to yourself and each other. This is complicated territory for everyone. You're all doing your best in a situation none of you would have chosen. A little grace and forgiveness can go a long way for yourself and your family members.

Remember, while the financial and legal challenges of dementia care can be daunting, they don't have to tear your family apart. You can find your way through this difficult time together with open communication, clear agreements, and a focus on your shared commitment to your loved one's wellbeing.