The Gift That Gives Twice

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When your friend offers to stay with Mom so you can get groceries, and you see that flicker of fear cross her face—"What if she gets upset? What do I do?"—that hesitation isn't lack of love. It's lack of information.

You know you need help. The exhaustion is real, and people genuinely want to give you a break. But here's what keeps happening: someone offers to sit with your loved one for a few hours, and you find yourself saying "Oh, it's okay, I'm fine" because deep down, you worry. What if they don't know how to calm Dad when he gets agitated? What if they're uncomfortable and never offer again? What if something goes wrong?

There's a simple tool that can change this entire dynamic: a personal care guide. Think of it as an "About Me" booklet—a collection of insights about who your loved one is, what comforts them, and how to navigate a few hours together. It's not a medical manual. It's a bridge between the person you know so intimately and the caring friend or family member who wants to help but doesn't know where to start.

Let me show you how to create one that actually works.

Why This Matters More Than You Think

Here's the truth: people are afraid of the unknown, not of your loved one. When someone knows that playing Glenn Miller helps Mom settle down, or that Dad loves folding dish towels because it makes him feel useful, suddenly those three hours don't feel like walking through a minefield. They feel manageable. Even meaningful.

And here's the gift that circles back to you: when respite caregivers feel confident, they return. They offer again. Your support system strengthens instead of quietly disappearing.

Who I've Always Been

Start here, because this is where your loved one stops being "the dementia patient" and becomes Mom or Robert or Grandpa Jim.

Include a few paragraphs about their life before dementia. What did they do for work? What were they proud of? What made them laugh? Maybe your dad was a schoolteacher who loved terrible puns, or your mother was a nurse who never missed a birthday in the family.

Why this helps: When caregivers know these stories, they can connect authentically. They might say, "I heard you were a teacher. What grade did you teach?" Even if the answer doesn't come or isn't quite right, that human-to-human connection changes the entire tone of the interaction.

My Daily Rhythms

This is pure gold for someone stepping in for a few hours. Write down the patterns that still hold true:

• Is she a morning person who's cheerful before noon but exhausted by dinner?

• Does he need coffee exactly at 9 AM, and gets cranky without it?

• When does restlessness typically hit?

• Are there specific times of day when confusion or "sundowning" tends to increase?

Be specific: "Dad does best between 10 AM and 3 PM. After 5 PM, he gets more confused and might ask for his mother. That's normal."

What Brings Me Comfort

This section is your caregiver's emergency toolkit. List the specific things that soothe and reassure:

• "Play Frank Sinatra or anything from the 1940s"

• "Her favorite sweater is the blue cardigan—if she's cold or anxious, wrap it around her shoulders"

• "Looking through the photo album on the coffee table almost always calms him down"

• "A warm cup of tea (decaf) in the afternoon is part of her routine"

• "He loves the weighted blanket for naps"

• "Gentle hand-holding helps, but don't approach from behind—it startles her"

Pro tip: Include photos if helpful. A picture of "the blue cardigan" or "the photo album" removes any guesswork.

What Frightens or Upsets Me

Equally important—what should caregivers avoid? You know these triggers intimately, but your friend has no idea:

• Loud television or sudden noises

• Talking about certain topics (maybe Dad gets distressed if anyone mentions his late brother)

• Feeling rushed or corrected

• Too many questions at once

• Certain rooms in the house that cause confusion

Frame it practically: "If he starts asking where his car keys are, don't debate it. Just say 'They're safe, let's have some coffee' and redirect."

How to Reach Me When Things Get Hard

Your loved one likely has a communication style that works best now. Help caregivers understand it:

• "Speak slowly and use simple sentences"

• "She responds better to gentle questions than direct commands"

• "If he's confused, don't correct him—just go along and redirect"

• "Humor works better than logic"

• "Touch her hand first so she knows you're there before speaking"

Include a few phrases that work like magic: "It's all taken care of," "You're safe," "Let's go see what's in the kitchen."

Activities That Work

Give your respite caregiver three to five reliable activities that fill time peacefully:

• "Looking through magazines—she loves commenting on the pictures"

• "Folding towels or napkins (he doesn't have to do it 'right,' the activity itself is soothing)"

• "Watching birds at the feeder by the kitchen window"

• "Listening to her favorite playlist on the iPad—it's already set up"

• "Simple sorting tasks like buttons or old photographs"

Be honest about attention span: "Most activities hold his interest for 10-15 minutes. It's okay to move on to something else."

The Practical Basics

Include a simple checklist of concrete details:

• Medication schedule (if any during their visit)

• Mobility needs (walker location, assistance needed)

• Bathroom cues ("She won't always ask—check every hour or so")

• Dietary needs or restrictions

• Emergency contacts and your phone number

• When to call you (and reassurance about what's normal vs. concerning)

In Their Own Words (If You Can)

If your loved one is in early stages or has moments of clarity, consider including a few sentences from them. Even something simple: "I like being around people. Please don't worry if I repeat myself—I'm happy you're here."

These words carry tremendous weight. They give permission, extend welcome, and remind everyone that dignity and personhood remain.

The Permission Everyone Needs

Creating this guide isn't just about logistics. It's about giving your helpers permission to be imperfect, to simply be present rather than perfect. It's about showing them that they don't need to be you—they just need to be kind and informed.

And here's what happens: when you hand this guide to someone and say, "This will help you both have a good visit," you lift the weight of uncertainty from their shoulders. They stop worrying about doing it wrong and start focusing on doing it with love.

The afternoon that felt impossible—leaving Mom with someone else—becomes possible. Then it happens again. And slowly, you remember what it feels like to walk through a grocery store without rushing, or sit in a coffee shop for twenty minutes, or simply breathe.

That's not selfish. That's survival. And this small booklet makes it real.

Your Action Plan: Start Today

This week:

1. Find or create a simple binder, folder, or notebook—nothing fancy

2. Write one section: "Who I've Always Been"—just a page capturing your loved one's story

3. Take a photo of the comfort items you mentioned (the blue sweater, the photo album)

Next week:

1. Complete two more sections: "What Brings Me Comfort" and "What Frightens or Upsets Me"

2. Add the practical basics: medications, emergency contacts, daily schedule

Before your next respite opportunity:

3. Finish the remaining sections

4. Keep the guide visible—on the kitchen counter or coffee table, not hidden in a drawer

5. Walk through it once with your respite caregiver; answer questions

6. Give yourself permission to leave, knowing you've given them what they need

Remember: This doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be helpful. Start with what you know matters most, and add to it as you think of things. Even a few pages transform someone's confidence from "I'll try" to "I've got this."

Your loved one deserves these peaceful visits with people who care. You deserve the break. And the person offering help deserves to feel capable of giving it.

Create the guide. Accept the help. Everyone wins.

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