When Night Becomes Day

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You know that feeling when you're absolutely exhausted, but sleep feels like a distant memory? Now imagine that struggle multiplied, not just for you, but for the person you're caring for. If you're dealing with sleep disturbances and sundowning behaviors, you're not walking this path alone, and there are real ways to find rest for both of you.

Sleep challenges in caregiving situations can feel overwhelming. One day everything seems manageable, and the next, you're both awake at 3 AM, wondering how you got here. The truth is, sleep disturbances are incredibly common, especially when caring for someone with dementia or other cognitive changes. Understanding what's happening can be your first step toward better nights for everyone.

Understanding Sleep Disturbances: More Than Just Restless Nights

Sleep changes as we age, but when you're caring for someone with cognitive challenges, those changes can become more pronounced. Your loved one might sleep during the day and stay awake at night, or they might wake up confused and agitated. Sometimes they'll sleep for just a few hours at a time, leaving you exhausted and wondering when you'll get your rest.

These disruptions often happen because the brain's internal clock—the part that tells us when it's time to sleep and wake—can become confused. Medications, physical discomfort, or simply the anxiety of not feeling safe or familiar with their surroundings can all play a role.

Remember, this isn't something you've done wrong, and it's not something you can simply "fix" by trying harder. You're dealing with real changes in brain function, and that requires patience with both your loved one and yourself.

Managing Sundowning: When Evening Brings Extra Challenges

If you've noticed that late afternoon or early evening brings increased confusion, restlessness, or agitation, you're witnessing something called sundowning. It's like watching someone you know well become a different person as the sun goes down—and it can be both heartbreaking and exhausting.

Sundowning often shows up as increased confusion, wanting to "go home" even when they are home, pacing, or becoming upset about things that didn't bother them earlier in the day. The good news is that understanding the pattern can help you prepare for it.

Try to keep late afternoons calm and predictable. This might mean avoiding big activities or visitors during this time. Instead, consider gentle music, familiar photos, or a quiet activity they enjoy. Sometimes a small snack or warm drink can help too, just like you might need that cup of tea to unwind after a long day.

Most importantly, don't take sundowning behaviors personally. Your loved one isn't choosing to be difficult. Their brain is trying to make sense of a world that feels increasingly confusing as the day winds down.

Creating a Sleep-Conducive Environment: Small Changes, Big Impact

You don't need to renovate your entire home to create better sleep conditions. Small, thoughtful changes can make a real difference for both of you.

Start with lighting. Keep the bedroom dim in the evening and bright during the day to help reset that internal clock. If your loved one gets up frequently at night, consider motion-activated nightlights that provide just enough light to navigate safely without being jarring.

Temperature matters more than you might think. A slightly cool room often promotes better sleep, but make sure there are enough blankets for comfort. And if possible, try to keep the bedroom quiet—or use gentle, consistent sounds like a fan or soft music if complete silence feels too stark.

Sometimes the simplest changes help the most. Maybe it's moving a favorite photo where they can see it from bed, or keeping a soft throw within reach. These touches of familiarity can provide comfort when everything else feels uncertain.

Balancing Rest: You Can't Pour from an Empty Cup

Here's something caregivers don't hear enough: your sleep matters too. I know it feels selfish to worry about your own rest when someone else is struggling, but you simply can't provide good care when you're running on empty.

If nighttime disruptions are frequent, consider taking turns with other family members or hiring overnight help, even if it's just once a week. One full night of sleep can help you handle several difficult nights more gracefully.

Don't underestimate the power of short naps when you can grab them. Even 20 minutes of rest while your loved one naps can help reset your energy. And if they're having a calm moment during the day, resist the urge to tackle your to-do list—sometimes rest is the most productive thing you can do.

Remember that asking for help isn't giving up—it's being smart about sustaining yourself for the long haul. Whether that's a family member staying over occasionally, a respite care service, or even a neighbor who can sit with your loved one while you rest, these supports aren't luxuries. They're necessities.

Finding Your Rhythm in the Chaos

Sleep challenges and sundowning can feel like they'll never end, but many families do find their rhythm eventually. It might not look like the sleep you used to know, but it can still be restorative for both of you.

Some days will be harder than others, and that's okay. On the difficult nights, remember that you're providing something invaluable—safety, comfort, and love during a time when your loved one's world might feel very uncertain. That matters more than you know.

Be gentle with yourself on the days when everything feels too hard. You're learning to navigate something that doesn't come with a manual, and you're doing it with love and dedication. That counts for everything.

Click here to see my newsletter for Male Caregivers of Loved Ones with Dementia