When They Can't Tell You What's Wrong

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I know you've been there. Maybe it was last Tuesday when Mom refused to get dressed and became upset when you tried to help. Or perhaps it's the way Dad paces the hallway every evening, no matter how many times you ask him to sit down. These moments can leave you feeling helpless, frustrated, and wondering if you're doing something wrong.w

Let me tell you something that might change how you see these challenging times: your loved one isn't trying to make things difficult. They're trying to tell you something, and when words become hard to find or use, behavior becomes their voice. Once you understand this, everything shifts. Instead of feeling like you're constantly putting out fires, you become a caring detective, learning to listen to what they're really saying.

The Changes You're Probably Seeing

You didn't ask for this journey, but here you are, watching someone you love change in ways that can feel overwhelming. The good news is that you're not alone, and what you're experiencing has been seen by countless other families walking this same path.

Maybe you've noticed your loved one becoming restless, unable to sit still, constantly moving around the house as if searching for something they can't name. This restlessness isn't random—their brain is processing confusion and anxiety, and movement becomes a way to cope with feelings they can't express.

You might be facing resistance when it comes to basic care. The person who once loved their daily shower now fights you every step of the way. The medications they need are suddenly met with clenched lips and turned heads. This isn't stubbornness—it's fear. When you can't fully understand what's happening to you, anything that feels intrusive or unfamiliar becomes frightening.

Those repetitive questions that have you wanting to scream by the third or fourth time? They're not asking because they forgot your answer—they're asking because the world feels uncertain, and hearing your voice provides comfort and connection. The sleep disturbances that have you both exhausted come from a brain that's lost its internal compass for day and night.

Some days, you might notice your loved one pulling away from family gatherings or activities they once enjoyed. It's not that they don't want to be with you—large groups and complex social situations can feel overwhelming when your brain is already working overtime to make sense of everyday life.

Becoming a Caring Detective

Here's where you can make a real difference. Start paying attention to the when, where, and what of these challenging moments. You don't need a psychology degree—you just need the observation skills you've been developing your whole life.

Think about it: when does your loved one seem most agitated? Is it late in the day when they're tired? During transitions like getting ready for bed? When there's too much noise or activity around them? Your home might feel perfectly normal to you, but through their eyes, it could feel chaotic or overwhelming.

Physical comfort plays a huge role that's often overlooked. That sudden outburst might be their way of telling you they're in pain, need to use the bathroom, or are feeling too hot or cold. When someone can't clearly communicate "My back hurts" or "I'm thirsty," it comes out as irritability or resistance instead.

Don't underestimate the power of routine. If you've had to change their usual schedule, move furniture around, or introduce a new caregiver, these changes can create anxiety that shows up as difficult behavior. Their brain is working so hard just to navigate the basics that any additional change can feel insurmountable.

Start keeping simple notes about these moments. Nothing fancy—just jot down what happened right before the behavior started. You'll begin to see patterns that will help you prevent problems before they begin.

Learning to Listen with Your Heart

This is the part that might surprise you: every challenging behavior is actually your loved one trying to communicate something important. They're not being difficult on purpose—they're doing their best to tell you what they need with the tools they have available.

When someone becomes agitated during personal care, they might be saying, "I'm scared," "This feels uncomfortable," or "I don't understand what you want me to do." The person who constantly asks to go home might not be talking about a physical place at all—they could be longing for the feeling of safety, familiarity, or control that "home" represents.

That loved one who seems to be hoarding items or hiding things? They're probably trying to maintain some sense of security in a world that feels increasingly unpredictable. The refusal to eat might mean the food tastes different now, swallowing has become difficult, or the dining room feels too busy and overwhelming.

Here's something that might give you comfort: even when the words don't come easily anymore, the need for connection remains strong. Much of what looks like difficult behavior is actually your loved one reaching out for reassurance, comfort, or simply your presence.

A Simple Way to Figure Things Out

Let me share something that has helped thousands of families make sense of challenging moments. It's called the ABC approach, and it's simpler than it sounds.

A is for Antecedent—what happens right before the difficult behavior. Maybe it's you suggesting it's time for a bath, or the neighbor's dog barking, or simply the fact that it's late afternoon and your loved one is getting tired. Start noticing these triggers.

B is for Behavior—the actual challenging moment you're dealing with. Try to describe what you see without adding your interpretation. Instead of "he was being stubborn about his pills," write "he kept his mouth closed and turned his head away when I offered his medication."

C is for Consequence—what happens right after, including how you respond. Do you give up and try again later? Do you keep coaxing? Do you get frustrated? Sometimes our well-meaning responses can accidentally make the behavior more likely to happen again.

When you start looking at challenging moments through this lens, you'll discover that your loved one's behavior often makes perfect sense. They're responding to something specific, and once you identify what that something is, you can often prevent the problem from happening in the first place.

You're Doing Better Than You Think

I want you to know something: you don't have to be perfect at this. There will be days when you can't figure out what's wrong, when nothing you try seems to help, and when you feel like you're failing the person you love. Those days don't make you a bad caregiver—they make you human.

What makes all the difference is approaching these moments with curiosity instead of frustration, compassion instead of judgment. When you start seeing challenging behaviors as your loved one's way of reaching out to you, everything changes. You're not managing problems anymore—you're maintaining connection and preserving dignity.

Some days will be harder than others. Dementia is unpredictable, and what works today might not work tomorrow. But every time you take a moment to ask, "What are you trying to tell me?" instead of "How do I make this stop?" you're honoring the person behind the diagnosis.

You're learning a new language—the language of behavior—and like any language, it takes time to become fluent. But every small understanding, every moment of connection, every time you successfully meet a need that couldn't be expressed in words, you're doing something profound. You're proving that love finds a way to communicate, even when words fail.

Your loved one is lucky to have someone who cares enough to listen with both their ears and their heart. That's not just caregiving—that's love in action.

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